Diving Deep: Learning What Lives Below the Surface

Moving couples from conflict to compassion

Over the years, I’ve seen that couples are fighting imaginary foes. Each has their own interpretation of what has happened and only when they reveal to themselves and their partner what is going on below the surface do understanding and compassion become possible.

To share an example, my clients Lynn and Steve (not their real names) had a fight one night because Steve told Lynn he would be back at a certain time and he was late. Typically in a case like this, the couple thinks they are fighting about the details—in this case whether it was reasonable for him to be late without calling. Lynn is sure it wasn’t okay and Steve argues that it isn’t a big deal and tries to resolve the situation by explaining what happened.

When we look below the surface, Lynn notices a deep sense of unease followed quickly by hurt and then anger with thoughts like “if he truly loved me he would be more considerate.”

When I ask Lynn to pay attention to the unease, she remembers feeling something similar as a teenager when she’d been left alone most of the time by her divorcing parents. She’d felt abandoned.  This is what she feels when Steve is late and not communicating with her. This is why it matters so much to her that he stay in touch when he’s running late. 

When Steve takes the deep dive, he notices that he feels frustrated, confused, guilty and rebellious.  He’s been trying hard to communicate more.  But when Lynn gets upset painful thoughts go through his mind like “It’s never enough” and “I can’t win.” 

Steve feels guilty for not calling because he doesn’t like Lynn to feel upset but he also feels rebellious, as if Lynn is a controlling parent forcing him to do something unreasonable. Finally, her reaction confuses him.  It seems too intense for the situation.

Taking the “deep dive” allows for truer understanding and trust to be born.  Not just in our partners but most importantly in ourselves.  Until we stop and look, we don’t know what the deeper feelings and thoughts are that drive us. 

In this example, Lynn and Steve can both see how destabilizing it is for Lynn when she feels alone. Steve now understands that Lynn isn’t acting like a parent when she asks him to keep her updated.  Instead, she hates feeling abandoned and afraid. He now better understands how intense the experience is for her and where it comes from.

Lynn now recognizes that even though she’s asked Steve to be a better communicator, he hasn’t really understood why it was so important to her. It has just felt controlling and unreasonable to him. She can also see that her reaction isn’t just caused by what Steve is doing but has roots in earlier experiences.

Again and again I see understanding and compassion arise out of diving deep. Light bulbs go on as couples realize how differently they are wired and how differently they have understood the situation.

The hardest part seems to be learning how to communicate in a way that doesn’t blame our partner for what we are feeling and learning to listen to our partners with curiosity rather than defensiveness.  Love blossoms again and again when we learn how to do this.