Speaking Your Partner’s Language of Love
Couples often come to me feeling depleted. The bank account of love has been drained. So one of the important things we do is figure out how to replenish the love bank. The funny thing is that couples often end up realizing that their partner WAS trying to love them. It just wasn’t landing. It turns out that couples usually speak a different love language. We’ve been doing our best but innocently missing the mark!
Over 25 years ago, my father showed me a laminated card in his wallet. On it he’d written a number of things that meant love to my mother. He confessed that if he didn’t write it down and refer to it, he would forget so different was her list from his own. They’d come to their lists by having a talk about what meant love to each of them.
In 1995 Gary Chapman published 5 Languages of Love which very skillfully categorized these ways of experiencing love. Gary explained that people tend to have one or two ways that they experience feeling loved and these are often different than their partner’s ways. Taking the quiz in his book (or on his website: www.5lovelanguages.com ) allows a person to grasp their own way of experiencing and usually expressing love.
We tend to give the way we want to receive. But in order for a relationship to flourish, we need to learn how to give in a way that our partners can receive and vice versa. So I recommend taking Gary Chapman’s quiz. Make sure your partner does as well. Find out which of the five languages you each use: Quality Time, Touch, Acts of Service, Affirmations, Gifts. Get really familiar with your own and your partners.
I tell my clients that they may very well feel like a toddler using their partner’s language of love. If it were natural to love your partner the way they need it, you’d have been doing it! Like any skill, it takes practice. Like my father, you’ll have to find a way to remind yourself. With practice and commitment, your love bank balance will soar.
Enjoy the discovery.
