Why Does Couples Therapy Work?
The Path for Couples Made Visible
Very few of us have been taught how to look within to see the beliefs and feelings that are driving our behaviors. Even fewer know how to do that with their partner in a way that supports bonding rather than conflict. Couples therapy works because it does three main things:
1) Illuminates the Cycle: When one member of the couple gets triggered rather then staying with the vulnerability of feeling hurt or abandoned or wrong they get angry and criticize or withdraw into silence and disconnection. This tends to trigger the other member of the couple. This dynamic of triggering and re-triggering can be seen as the “dance” or the cycle.
Couples therapy illuminates the dance and makes it conscious. Aware of their dance, the couple can make an alliance to stop the painful cycle that has led them to feel alienated and alone.
2) Helps the Couple “Go Deep”: There is much more to the dance then either person knows. To understand the depths, someone has to do what I call “taking the elevator down,” to speak about the painful thoughts and feelings underneath the anger or withdrawal.
This reveals a world that the couple was often unaware of and generates compassion and understanding in both. The couples bond is made more secure by the love and connection that this deeper understanding invites.
3) Allows for Differences: Another common pattern is that couples resist differences. It’s easy in the beginning of a relationship because it’s usually all about the “WE” but as each person’s individuality begins to reassert itself a power struggle ensues. Each wants the other to do/say/see life as they do.
In Couples Therapy we begin to notice the fear of differentiation and to understand, instead, what the differences mean and why they are so important for the healthy development of the couple’s relationship. Freeing your partner to be who they are allows love to flourish.
Research shows that Couples Therapy delivers a big bang for the buck. Studies of Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples show that most couples experience relief from relationship distress within a few months and the improvements are retained long-term.
Couples Therapy is now an obvious choice for all couples given how much better we feel when our love relationship is healthy. There is no need to tolerate months or years of distress. The Paths to Well Being for couples are fully visible to experienced couples therapists and there isn’t much else in this world that delivers more happiness.
